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[FTNB EXCLUSIVE][MOVEMBER][THE DOCTOR IS IN]

The Doctor is In: Matt Nathanson “Mine”

posted by Matthew Conner, M.D., P.L.L.C. November 12, 2018 0 comments
Dr. Matt Conner

Here’s the second installment of the FTNB “The Doctor is In” guest series by Dr. Matthew Conner. This one really spoke to me. If you missed his first article, read it here.

-Jared Godar

Matt Nathanson has been a favorite of mine since 2003’s amazing, sensitive collection, Under These Fireworks. Lightning usually only strikes once, but last summer’s Sings His Sad Heart is arguably his best one yet. It’s only fitting that the disc is a ten-song collection about a man who can’t let go of the past.

I got a text from your sister

it’s been a while

I see this a lot when men come to therapy. Sometimes, like the song says, you’re on your own and get a sudden reminder of your ex—that song on the radio, you bump into her sister, the reunion invitation that comes in the mail. Occasionally, your current partner does something that gets on your nerves and you just know that never would have happened with the one that got away.

Whatever the cause, the end result is dissatisfaction. How could you have made this choice? Why are you with this person? Maybe you should just text…

NO! Consider this your intervention. I’m going to talk to you a little bit about hanging on to old things, and I’ll teach you how to let it go.

All the ways I try to rewind when you were mine

The fantasy of “the one that got away” comes up all the time, and I think it’s going to lose some of its hold on you once we talk about where it comes from. The usual cause is anxiety: there’s a “right” answer, the one person you’re supposed to be with. If you don’t guess right or keep that person, that’s the reason why anything feels wrong in your life. If you feel bad, or anxious, or unsure, well, that must be proof that you just haven’t found the right person. But what happens when you find the right person and then you feel bad, or anxious, or unsure?

Most of the guys I see take that as a sign that they must have guessed wrong and dig into things like breaking up, affairs, or even trying to blame or change their partners. Gotta find the next right person. But I try to help these men by telling them two secrets: There is no such thing as a right answer here and everyone feels bad once in a while. It’s going to happen with this person, or the next, or alone—it’s not her, it’s you.

I know this isn’t always the case. There may not be right answers, but there are wrong ones. If you’re in a relationship that feels controlling, withholding, or cruel, you need to run that by friends you trust or a good couple’s therapist. Couple’s therapy is not forcing you to stay together, nor is it a sign you’re breaking up. It’s just asking a neutral third party to apply their understanding of relationship patterns to your situation and if there’s something toxic you need to know that.

But the answer isn’t that your high school sweetheart should never have dumped you for that skinny guy with the guitar at the first college party. Let’s work on letting that one go.

First, recognize that it’s completely normal to wonder what might have been. You were with your ex for a good reason, and it’s fine to remember those good times. It’s normal to feel dissatisfied and go back in time for a few minutes.

But then, tell yourself that not every relationship has to last to be successful. We all hit spots in relationships where we aren’t going to learn or grow anymore and most of us have that experience when we’re too immature to deal with it without hurting each other. It sucks, but it happens, and it’s how we learn. No amount of playing that tape over is going to make you feel okay that it’s over. She may be funnier than your wife is, he may load the dishwasher the way your husband just can’t figure out; but remind yourself that even with the good parts, this wasn’t your last relationship, and it ended. You can learn from it and make better choices now, but you can’t undo it and you don’t have to.

In the end I was practice

Yeah, you kissed me like an actress running lines

Here’s the last step: be in the now. You’re here and you’re with your partner. You may feel dissatisfied, but you’re both still in it. If you stay present, you can’t be in the past. Sounds oversimplified, but it’s true. We don’t multitask the way we claim to.

Think about things you like about the person you love and build up to things you love about them. Try to stick to the positive—more “She saves me the corner piece of the lasagna, which sounds lame, but I like that best and she remembers” rather than “Umm, she doesn’t sweat too much, I guess.” If that’s too hard, remember what first attracted you. Make a list. Write it down. Or better yet, write it to her. Say it to her. Make it part of the daily routine until it doesn’t feel awkward anymore. Don’t you want to know what your partner loves about you? Why not make that the last thing you say when you separate in the morning? I have had plenty of arguments with boyfriends, but if I can say, honestly, “I’m mad, but you are usually really considerate, and I want to remember that before I say anything else.” I stop comparing them to the exes.

I’m not saying you can’t think about them. This is your story, you’ve learned from it. But when you’re nodding to Matt Nathanson singing, “All the ways I try to rewind when you were mine” remind yourself that part of the tape is over, and hit “Play” instead.

[ORIGINAL FTNB CONTENT][SHOW ANNOUNCEMENTS]

FTNB Weekly Preview May 23-27

posted by Jared A. Godar May 23, 2016 3 Comments

MONDAY


Dylanfest | Ryman Auditorium | Monday, May 23, 7:30 pm | $45 / $59

Some incredible artists will be joining together to celebrate Bob Dylan’s 75th birthday. With Emmylou Harris, Jason Isbell, *Kacey Musgraves, Ann Wilson, Kurt Vile, Wynonna Judd & The Big Noise, Boz Scaggs, Kesha, City & Colour, Moon Taxi, *Brothers Osborne, Dhani Harrison, John Paul White, Charlie McCoy, Nikki Lane, Brendan Benson, Rayland Baxter, Holly Williams, Langhorne Slim, Eric Pulido of Midlake, Ruby Amanfu, Karen Elson, Amanda Shires, Danny Masterson, Bijou Phillips, The Whigs, Cory Chisel, Adriel Denae, Jonathan Tyler, Robert Ellis, Shelly Colvin, Tommy Emmanuel and many more surprise guests! Still a few tickets left for the Monday show. Also at the same time on Tuesday, but that one is sold out.

Ryman Auditorium | 116 5th Ave N, Nashville, Tennessee 37219


Tenx9 | Douglas Corner Cafe | Monday, May 23, 7:30-9:20 pm | free

Locals share stories with the theme “LOL.” Tenx9 Nashville is a Belfast-originated monthly community storytelling night where 9 people have up to ten minutes each to tell a real story from their lives. Each month has a theme, and every night is free.

Douglas Corner Cafe | 2106 8th Ave S, Nashville, Tennessee 37204


TUESDAY


Sip It | Nashville Entrepreneur Center | Monday, May 23, 8:00-9:00 am | free

Nashville Conversations is a leadership series in collaboration with alumni entrepreneur, Lily Clayton Hansen, author of Word of Mouth: Nashville Conversations and professional interviewer behind blog, Word Of Mouth Conversations. Each month, we will conduct a conversation with prolific Nashvillians in the art, culinary and music industries handpicked directly from Lily’s book. Each entrepreneur will give insight into creating and growing a unique brand in Nashville as well as the lessons they have learned along the way. Sip It is an onsite EC program occurring each month. Join us for a conversation with Cali DeVaney, hair stylist and owner of Parlour & Juke.

Nashville Entrepreneur Center | 41 Peabody St, Nashville, Tennessee 37210


★  NPR Tiny Desk Concert | The Basement East | Tuesday, May 24, 5:30 pm | Free (with registration) ★ 

NPR Music is bringing tunes from the Tiny Desk Contest to Nashville and cities around the U.S. Join WPLN and NPR Music staff for a private, invitation-only celebration of the Nashville musical community, including live performances by some of our favorite local Tiny Desk Contest entrants, Scott Mulvahill, Dead Cures, Leah Nobel and Quinn DeVeaux. The event is free, but you’ll need to register in order to request an invitation. Register here.

The Basement East | 917 Woodland St, Nashville, Tennessee 37206


★  Honky Tonk Tuesday | American Legion, Post 82 | Tuesday, May 24, 8:00 pm | Free ★ 

One of my favorite shows of the week. Good people, cheap drinks, ample room to dance, and great tunes. What more could you ask for?

American Legion, Post 82 | 3204 Gallatin Pike, Nashville, TN 37216


WEDNESDAY


Adult Strawberry Pickin’ Party | Green Door Gourmet | Wednesday, May 25, 6:00 pm | 21+ | $59

Final Pickin’ Party of the season! Small personal coolers allowed. Vendors: Yazoo, Red Spirits & Wine, Califarmia Food Truck Live Music: Bradford Lee Folk

Green Door Gourmet | 7011 River Road Pike, Nashville, Tennessee 37209


❤ ★  Traveling Wilburies Tribute Show | Foo Bar | Wednesday, May 25, 6:00 pm ★  ❤

UNRAVELING THE WILBURYS is a live celebration of the music of George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne. In addition to Traveling Wilburys classics such as Handle With Care, Unraveling the Wilburys also mines the legendary back-catalogue’s of each member. A splendid time is guarenteed for all. The Band: Cy Winstanley as George Harrison, Vini Contreas as Bob Dylan, Benjamin D. Hale as Roy Orbison, Zach Ryan as Tom Petty, Shane Tutmarc as Jeff Lynne, and Rob Whited as Jim Keltner.

Foobar | 2511 Gallatin Rd, East Nashville, Tennessee 37206


Sadler Vaden CD Release | The Basement East | Wednesday, May 25, 6:00 pm | 21+ | $7 ADV / $10 DOS

Tickets here.

The Basement East | 917 Woodland St, Nashville, Tennessee 37206


THURSDAY


★ Zachariah Red | The Country Nashville | Thursday, May 26, 8:00 pm | Free ★ 

Zachariah Red, Sean Rivers, and Jason Martin.

The Country Nashville | 110 28th Ave N, Nashville, Tennessee 37203


FRIDAY


★  Tim Carrol’s Rock-n-roll Happy Hour | The 5 Spot | Friday, May 27, 6:00-8:39 pm | 21+ | Free ★ 

Official start tot the weekend. Two and a half uninterrupted hours of wonderful original music. Hald priced drinks. Nice people. Good times.

The 5 Spot | 1006 Forrest Ave, Nashville, TN 37206


Dick Dale + Eddie’s Angel Guitar Party | The Nashville Palace | Friday, May 27, 7:00 pm | $30

Some serious guitar playing to be enjoyed by the “King of the Surf Guitar.” Tickets here. 

The Nashville Palace presented by Robert’s Western World | 2611 McGavock Pike, Nashville, Tennessee 37214